if pigs could fly, they'd be called pilots

"Guys are pigs."

Many girls have uttered this phrase, either out of frustration, anger, or as some kind of weird mantra for life. And, girls are usually at least half justified in saying it: Guys do have affairs (though to be fair, the 'other girl' is as much to blame as the guy). Guys can be incredibly dense (on the flip side, girls can be unnecessarily vague and mysterious and still expect men to read their minds). Guys can be insensitive assholes (and girls can be overly sensitive and manipulative bitches). Guys covet looks (while girls covet money...and looks). Guys may think with their dicks (but, going back to the 'manipulative' bit, girls can and do use that to their advantage).

Now, I'm not turning this into a rant against girls. Guys have plenty of faults, and so do girls. Simple as that. Pointing at all guys as pigs is a little unfair, just as labeling girls as either 'sluts' or 'prudes' is unfair. But, beyond the messy gray area of double standards (such as some girls stubbornly requiring that the guy ask the girl out, the guy always treat the girl out, the guy buy plenty of gifts for the girl - which isn't necessarily a problem, except after this the girls also want to be treated 'equally'), there's a fundamental problem with the line "guys are pigs."

It's just a poor choice of words.

If, as girls say, all guys are pigs, then this reflects negatively on the girls. Given that there are babies being born every second, this presumably means that the majority of these babies have been conceived through sexual intercourse (I'm pretty sure immaculate conception is not 'all the rage' right now). Getting a woman pregnant through sexual intercourse, by definition, requires a woman and man to sleep together. But, if males are 'pigs', then women everywhere are committing bestiality, which I think is slightly worse than being an insensitive asshole. And yet, the fact that babies are still being born this very second means that women as recently as nine months ago have been engaging in acts of bestiality.

Of course, that's not the only taboo to be broken. While most women are in the workforce nowadays, one unfortunate lingering effect of the human race's misogynistic history is that men generally get paid more than women. This disparity, then, makes it so that men are generally the majority provider of a family, thus "bringing home the bacon." The men, it seems, are forced to engage in homicide and cannibalism every single day.

Homicide is defined as one human being killing another. Now, assuming that men are pigs, then killing another man (a pig, remember) is homicide. So, by working all day to "bring home the bacon," men are killing other men and then trading the remains for food and amenities. If not actually killing, then at least condoning murder by earning said bacon.

If men were to bring home actual bacon (or any pork, for that matter), which men stereotypically love to eat, then everyone who eats any bacon or pork participates in cannibalism. Yes, even the females are cannibals, because pigs = men, and men = human.

Furthermore, guys may go outside and "toss the ol' pigskin around." This is incredibly disturbing - not only are people taking men's hides (after bringing home their bacon, I suppose) and sewing them up into an odd shape, they're then throwing these skins around for recreational purposes. Mothers may even perversely encourage this behavior as a form of father-son bonding. Even if guys don't actually play football, they often watch it on television (this sickening act is even considered a sport).

Granted, men do exhibit some pig-like qualities. They can "ham it up" to a boss, or "pig out" on junk food. But, not only are these actions carried out by both men and women, this piggishness is too minor to warrant calling guys pigs. Being a kiss-ass or an unhealthy eater just doesn't quite compare to cannibalism, bestiality, and murder, does it?

I simply ask, as an English major, that women everywhere, no matter what grievances you may have against the coarser gender, to just choose your words carefully before uttering them. You never know who'll take them literally.