what an ass

A few days ago, while my mom was clearing out some old stuff we've amassed over the years, she came into my room waving a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figure and asked, with a laugh, "Do you remember this?"

"Of course!" I replied, happy at rediscovering the ancient toy. Nostalgia was swelling up inside me, but then I stopped and asked myself: Why did I like these things in the first place? 

Something about Ninja Turtles (that cartoon - I never read the comics) were awesome to me as a child (even now, I use a Ninja Turtles blanket). It was probably the weapons. But, now that I think about it, Ninja Turtles are rather...baffling. 

And not baffling in the sense that they're giant anthropomorphic turtles living with a giant anthropomorphic rat who taught them martial arts and weaponry. That can all be explained with that strange goo that they were bathed in. I'll take that much at face value. 

But beyond that, things start to fall apart. Let's start with their titles. They're supposedly teenagers. However, that doesn't make sense. Based on characteristics in the original comics, the turtles in Ninja Turtles are most likely Red-Eared Sliders, which have an average lifespan of 22.5 years. The Ninja Turtles show ran from 1987-1996. That's nearly half the lifespan of most Red-Eared Sliders - and that's assuming that the Ninja Turtles did everything they did day after day. For all we know, the events that transpired on the show could have taken place over twenty, or even thirty years. I'm sure they took some days off, right? Either way, those are some old ass turtles. 

Now, one can claim that the mutagen makes them age much slower. But, even if they have a long way to go before they die, they wouldn't qualify as teenagers. A teenager is, by definition, someone in their teens - between the ages 10-19. Maybe we could call them Young Adult Turtles or, based on Michelangelo's behavior, at least, Man-Child Turtles. But teenagers? Nah. 

And somehow, the 'cool' factor of having 'ninja' turtles (the Red-Eared Slider is apparently 'deceptively fast', according to Wikipedia, so I guess no contradictions between 'ninja' and 'turtle') is negated somewhat by the image of pimpled and hormonal teens fumbling for a cigarette while brushing off April in a desperate attempt to impress her and, perhaps, get laid, though how that would work is beyond me. 

Beyond semantics, there's the problem of the main villain, Shredder. What is this guy's problem? As a kid, I always figured he was bent on world domination or was just sexually frustrated, either of which was acceptable and common for cartoon villains of the 90s. However, reading the summary of the story confirmed some nagging, and repressed, doubts I had regarding his motive: the guy's a fucking jerk. 

And that's why this show is so baffling. Crash course: Shredder very surreptitiously got Splinter exiled from his ninja clan in Japan, at which point he was forced to move to New York and live in the sewers for some reason. So far, it's ok - Shredder may have been jealous, or desired power, or was sexually frustrated. Everything's cool, and, within cartoon realms, totally justfiable.

But, that's not enough. This guy follows Splinter to New York City, some 6,700 miles away, mind you, without any real motive, and somehow finds him in the sewers, at which point he dumps what he thinks is deadly poison (but which turns out to be the mutagen) into said sewers to try and kill Splinter. 

I mean, who does that? 

Besides completely fucking up the ecosystem by pouring the mutagen in the sewers and spawning four giant, humanoid turtles and one rat-like human (all of whom the EPA or PETA would probably have no qualms with shooting in the face as they scream in urine-inducing fright), he just won't leave this poor man-turned-manrat alone. 

Should've just taken a cue from Dr. Claw and set up an evil corporation.