things that are shaken, not stirred

If you've been to any club recently, you need only to open your ears to hear some quality, intellectual hip-hop blaring on the stereos. Why else do you think those scantily-clad women and 40-year-old men are gyrating? It's because they thrust in the good name of political and social progress.

"But how can I partake in such reformative songmaking ways?" you hypothetically ask in my mind. Well, going off three popular hip-hop club songs - "Candy Shop" by 50 Cent, "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" by Soulja Boy, and "Yeah!" by Usher - here is a handy guide on how to make your very own hip-hop hit:

1. Use no more than 5 notes. Do you think people went 'Yeah!' over 'Yeah!' because of its over-complicated and flowery melody? Hell no! The four-to-five-note rinse-and-repeat melody found in each song parallels the strategies of all the great political propaganda campaigns: keep the message short, to the point, and repeat it until it's completely ingrained into a person's being. The song's tune immediately becomes a mantra. One's body cannot help but shake in the hips, shuffle in the feet, bob in the head, and quiver in the genitals. And speaking of ingraining, that leads to:

2. Sloganize. Again, just like those propaganda campaigns, a quality hip-hop song needs to have a slogan of some sort. The shorter and more emphatic, the better. 'Please prevent the whales from experiencing any more difficulties that may or may not cost them their lives' just doesn't have the same attention-capturing effect as 'Save the whales!'

'Yeah!' and 'Crank Dat' are two excellent examples in this regard, with the songs sporting the slogans 'Yeah!' and 'You' (or 'Youuuu'), respectively. The artists were able to capture meaning with just a single word - and it worked with the listeners. The firm, one-word declaration of an expression of affirmation and/or positive sentiments, along with the one-word description of a subject as referred to as a pronoun in second person singular or plural, has allowed each hip-hop song to rock both the charts and women's bodies. But, there is always a little bit more to these songs than just a slogan, which is to:

3. Talk about the issues. When 50 Cent says, 'I'll take you to the candy shop / I'll let you lick my lollipop,' do you think he's actually talking about a candy shop? No! Mr. Cent is talking about the subjugation and devaluing of women - an important issue in current times.

And, when Soulja Boy raps about 'Supermanning' a 'hoe,' do you think he's actually talking about Superman? No - he's talking about compromise, in bed and out, and thoughtfully includes a method or two for dealing with stubbornness.

The inclusion of issues in your song is necessary because people need something to believe in. And when they have something to believe in, you best believe they'll be dancing to express that. The hope that these rappers have instilled in today's youth serves as a prime example for you to follow on your way to hip-hop glory. Yea, that's right, glory: days, holes, Matthew Broderick, the whole shebang. Before glory can be attained, though, there is one final step:

4. Create association. Imagery is key. It ties everyday things to your song, and thus guarantees replay and dissemination among the masses. Now, anytime you walk past a candy store or see someone enjoying a lollipop, you'll think of 50 Cent's song. Anytime you are addressed directly (but not by name) by someone or see a woman with a semen-cape slapped onto her back, you'll think of Soulja Boy. And, anytime someone nods or says anything in the affirmative, you'll emphatically scream 'Yeah!' and thrust your progressive, issue-loving junk in their face.

---

It may seem like a daunting task, riling thousands of people to action, but it's not so hard. Look around you - there are hundres of common objects just waiting to be written into a hip-hop song. Here are just a few to get you started:

-Etch-a-Sketch
-Jell-O
-Maraca
-Donkey
-Rattlesnake
-Juice Box
-Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger
-Snowglobe
-Pacifier
-Rocking Chair
-Martini

The list goes on - you'd be surprised at what you can use as inspiration for a song.

To further help you, I've taken the liberty of writing a short verse as well:

'Fine, fine,
Baby, yea, you're fine (fine)
Our hot, naked bodies intertwine (fine)
On the floor (so fine)
By the door (ultra fine)
At McDonald's (super fine)
You're fine, baby, fine...fine!'

And one more:

'Baby, shake it like a saltshaker,
Sh-sh-shake it like a saltshaker,
Spice up your life
With a night with the lovemaker,
The bed is gonna rock
Cause we are the earthquakers,
And yea, you're gonna swoon
Cause I am the breath-taker.'

Good luck on your way to hip-hop stardom! Just one request: should you write up a masterful hip-hop verse/song, send it my way! I'd love to read them.